Carlos Santana

Carlos Santana thinks humanity would be better served with the legalization of marijuana and envisions a time when people of all races and creeds can gather in parent's basements across America to watch Up In Smoke with no fear of criminal prosecution.

"Legalize marijuana and take all that money and invest it in teachers and in education," Santana said according to the Huffington Post. "You will see a transformation in America."

According to Santana, the continued criminalization of marijuana use parallels the Federal Government's misguided attempt to outlaw alcohol during the 1920's.

"[It's] really way overdue, like the prohibition with the alcohol and stuff like that," he said eloquently.

The legendary guitarist then used the platform to launch a thinly veiled attack against California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I really believe that as soon as we legalize and decriminalize marijuana we can actually afford a really good governor who won't keep taking money away from education and from teachers and send him back to Hollywood where he can do 'D' movies and we can get an 'A' governor," Santana said.

When asked about retirement, Santana admitted to having a direct phone line to God, which he uses regularly to stay in contact with his BFF.

"God was cracking up. He thought it was a good joke," he said, with eyes presumably half glazed over. "So I said, 'Okay.' Every time I want to make him laugh I tell him my plans. So we'll see."

Santana then stared at the back of his hand for an hour and asked if, "Anyone else was hungry."

Okay, so I made that last part up.


ISPs are the root of all evil.

Apparently, the interweb is nothing more than a lawless wasteland where two men enter and one man leaves, or so Andrew Lloyd Webber would like you to believe.

According to Webber, the most imminent threat facing humanity is not another Broadway revival of Cats, but the inevitable Hell on Earth unleashed by the continued deregulation of internet service providers.

"The question that occurs to me is whether in ten years' time Britain will be a place from which, say, the Beatles could have emerged? Will Britain be a fertile environment for all creative talent? Will Britain be a place where music, TV, film, games, and publishing companies are sufficiently healthy to invest in British creative talent and take it to the rest of the world," Webber pondered in an interview with the Telegraph. "No, not when there are no longer shops selling physical products and when the internet has become a sort of Somalia of unregulated theft and piracy."

The openly gay music composer and part-time statistician claimed that 7.3 million people or roughly 28 percent of the online population in the United Kingdom engage in illegal peer-to-peer file sharing, and if left unchecked that figure could increase to 8.7 million by 2012.

"Governments need rapidly to bring order to this lawless environment, if serious damage to society and the economy is to be avoided and if moral relativism is not to become entrenched," Webber said.

Webber also used an elaborate and somewhat elitist wine metaphor (that could only be comprehended by people who wear monocles) to bring his point home.

"Red wines in France are not content providers for the glass manufacturing business," he said. "Britain's creative industries are not content providers for broadband."


"There's a bathroom on the right."

Another useless study funded by money from private donors obsessed with having their name emblazoned on a college gymnasium or dormitory, finally brought closure to one of life's many great mysteries.

Researchers at the Baylor College of Medicine set out to uncover the main cause of mondegreens, a phenomenon that occurs when people unintentionally substitute lyrics in songs with other similarly sounding words.

The most famous example being Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze", whose chorus ("scuse me while I kiss the sky") has often been mistaken for, "scuse me while I kiss this guy", as well as other hilarious homoerotic variations.

Neurologist, Dr. Wei Ji Ma, claims mondegreens aren't the result of people being too stupid to recognize even the simplest of lyrics, but rather a complicated visual/auditory process that manifests within the brain.

"Understanding speech can be difficult, especially when it's noisy," Ma said in an interview with MSNBC. "We found that this process can be helped a lot by looking at the speaker's face. If you have only sound information, you will sometimes make mistakes. But if you also have the visual information, the brain will combine those two pieces and get a better sense of what's being said."

Ma also implied that mistaken lyrics can be used as a kind of Rorschach test for individuals, and offers a brief glimpse behind the red curtain of the human mind.

"I was on one of those lyrics websites and found a line from 'Bohemian Rhapsody" that goes 'Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me'," he said. "But Beelzebub is not a very common word. I saw that someone had misheard that as 'The algebra has a devil put aside for me.' Maybe that's someone who really hates math."


Uninformed musicians offer their opinions, sky still blue.

Musicians were in rare form this week, as several pop culture staples pompously aired their grievances to throngs of unsuspecting fans.

Among the social activists was one Lily Allen, who dedicated her song "F*ck You" to the 43rd President of the United States.

"This song is about George W. Bush, who by the way I'm quite happy isn't president anymore," the Bedazzled British chanteuse said during a performance at the Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles.

In ironic fashion, Fall Out Boy, lampooned Corporate America (whose teat they've suckled at from their inception) on their Believers Never Die: Part Deux tour.

The faux-rebels dawned Donald Trump wigs and patronizing business attire designed to illicit blood thirsty screams from the audience.

According to a nameless Rolling Stone concert reviewer, Pete Wentz greeted fans to their "corporate retreat" and explained that the concert was nothing more than an elaborate seminar for money making secrets.

Step one: pretend to give a sh*t about the same people you plan to exploit for profit.

Step two: sell your soul to the highest bidder.

Step three: wear eyeliner and androgynous clothing.

Step four: repeat steps one through three as needed.

Even Bob Dylan was in on the act, as he extolled his theory behind President Barack Obama's political ascension to Bill Flanagan of The Times Online.

"First off, his mother was a Kansas girl. Never lived in Kansas though, but with deep roots. You know, like Kansas bloody Kansas. John Brown the Insurrectionist. Jesse James and Quantrill, Bushwhackers, Guerillas, Wizard of Oz Kansa